My Thanksgiving Grief

The quaking hasn't subsided just yet. These challenges have been humbling to a saddening degree.  I've found that the ground I've stood on no longer appears to be that solid. This is a reflection on how to live a life of sacrifice.

Here is one of the questions that I've been asking myself, a question that hurts to ask, "How many unborn children have been saved by my vote?" Truthfully, in the 11 years I've been eligible to vote not one of my votes have saved a life.  If anything my votes have done just the opposite.

I'm not trying to make this a political statement.  My heart has felt more burdened than I care to express with people.  I'm coming to the realization that people want to help me justify my own selfishness.  I'm not entirely sure of their motives, but I know I've done this to others.  My motive, although probably not a conscious one at the time, was probably to save myself the discomfort of knowing I'm not really having much of an impact on the world.

I'm searching for a new approach to things.  I'm starting to value different kinds of friendships because of it. I have several different friends who are doing what they can to actually help children through adoption and love.  I have other friends who are doing this much and more.  I really can't say that I've done much myself.

Its funny how these thoughts have affected me.  I know that I shouldn't feel ashamed and shouldn't condemn myself but there is another part of me that wants to feel more grieved about all of this.  Grief has been such a huge motivator for me to become a better person in the past.  I'm not saying that I'm comfortable with shame-based motivation but I want a heart that hurts to love more, that must "do" not "talk."

Its the cost that is an affront to me.  How much could I sacrifice?  I've been strategizing with ways to make a difference.  I could save money by doing everything it takes to live in a more communal setting.  Cut down on the cost of living and make it possible to give more.  I could stop eating out so much maybe even fast a meal.  Give myself an acute reminder of the pain of hunger to empathize with the hungry.  I honestly don't know what the solutions are but I want to try something different and I really am open to doing life different than I have in the past.

I could use the influence I have to put the offer out on the table for others.  Its not about making people feel bad so that they will "do." Its about informing others and giving them an opportunity.  I regret to say I've had ample opportunity come and go.  God help me to be a "do'er."

Governed by the Christ

I feel like there has been a quaking in my body.  The foundations have shifted.  Some of the ground has disappeared beneath me and in the midst of rebuilding there is another quaking. Much of what I've thought about my view of "The Christian Life" has been shattered and I realize that much of my posturing has been built on a foundation of fear. The irony is, and I realize that this might just be from my perspective, most people see me as a pretty confident and bold person.  This is my attempt to give you a deeper look at my life.

Let's start with the political arena.  Typical "Christian" positions that I have held in the past are the following: Pro-Life, The Sanctity of Marriage, The War on Terror.  Some of my undecided positions but which are also associated with the title "Christian" are: Prayer in Public Schools,  "One Nation Under God" in our pledge, a place in our courts for the Ten Commandments, and bringing down the radical liberal organizations.  Why are these things considered "Christian?"  Since when has God condoned the idea of "Christian" nation?  Since when did Jesus condone ENFORCING His morality on a nation and a culture?

If the "Christian" agenda was God's intention for a nation then why didn't Jesus let Peter finish his job with the sword?  Better yet why didn't He take the crown offered him when the Jews tried to take Him by force and make Him king?  After all, the guy could supply an unlimited amount of food/supplies, He could heal the wounds of soldiers, and heck, He could raise the dead.  These seem like some pretty valuable skills to ENFORCE His political agendas.  The problem I see is that I can't find scripture to support the notion that these were His political agendas.  If they weren't His then how can they be "Christian?"

The truth is His way was to lay down His life.  He sacrificed His comfort.  He had no where to lay His head.  He encouraged His followers to take up their cross.  If this was His way and the way of His disciples then what is mine?  Can I condone it being my ambition to reverse Roe vs. Wade? Can I condone making gay marriage illegal?  If not then what should my approach be and why does it scare me to allow the world to do what it wants instead of trying to enforce my morality on them?

Yes, it scares me to let my tax dollars pay for abortions.  I'm scared of a downward spiral of immoral allowances!  I'm scared that I don't know how far it could go!  What if the rights of "Christians" are revoked?  What happens if we are no longer given the freedom to practice our worship?  What about our rights?  Do we have any right to rights when our citizenship is in another world and another kingdom?

Let's shift the topic a bit.  I have a fear of ministry.  Most of you who know me are probably looking at this statement thinking I have lost my mind.  Many see me as all about ministry but the truth is that I'm terrified to really get my hands dirty.

I feel like I've become more aware of what's inside of me in the past month.  Going to a foreign country can do that to people from what I understand.  My friend gave me a book she wrote thinking it might help me with the grief I feel for what I've discovered about my own cowardice.  Its not like I was out to discover this stuff.  Stepping out in faith just has a way of exposing you to your own insufficiencies.

Let me be more specific. In Lebanon people are trusting or at least more trusting than what I've experienced here in Texas, which I consider to be one of the friendliest states in the US.  For example, I prayed for a street vendor and the man feels it his obligation to give us food in return.  Then, he gives us the invitation to go to his home to pray for his blind father.  He wasn't going to come with us either.  The only people who were there were his wife, elderly mother, blind father, his daughter, and his granddaughter. There wasn't a man able to defend the family and without reservation he sent three grown men to his home.  The ironic part... I was nervous about going into the home of a Muslim family. Way to go media!

So, here is the connection.  I would never have invited a complete stranger into my home.  Nor would I send them into the home of my defenseless family.  Next is where it hits home.  How far am I willing to go for people?  Would I invite a homeless man into my home?  Would I provide him shelter from the rain if he smelt bad and looked dirty?  The truth... no, I wouldn't.  Why?  Because it scares me.  I'm scared physically, I'm scared of what the person might ask of me and how much I might have to give.

Jesus spent his time with a thief.  He showed favor for prostitutes.  He spent time with people who probably smelled not all that different from those who live on the streets. They required a lot of Him to the point where He didn't have time to eat.  He had to retreat to get time with His Father.  I live in retreat.  I've got more time than most.  I get to spend time in coffee shops reading my latest theology book.  The truth is I don't have to get my hands all that dirty and I am esteemed among friends.  Though, I'm starting to wonder why...?

There is hope though.  I don't have to stay this way.  I can be courageous.  I can overcome my fears.  I can get my hands dirty.  I can get messy in real life, in real ministry.  I just hope I don't forget.

In hopes that a haunting reflection may result in a more compassionate heart!

I know the title is a bit to swallow.  I am reminded again that I just need to let God do His work in my heart  instead of searching it out on my own and feeling grieved at what I sometimes see. Its not that everything I see is always awful but often it is.  Combine that with the realization that I am powerless to change it.  Reminds me of that horrible picture of the gerbil running on that wheel of great pointlessness.

Some might say that it is good to realize the awful nature of your own heart so that you will find that you need God all over again.  That is what I call "Depression." It doesn't take introspection to realize you need God.  Life has enough circumstances to remind us.  Honestly, I don't know if what I am saying is true or not.   I think life is just more enjoyable when I live from the perspective that it is God's job to find my flaws and fix them.  I don't even really have any desire to know about it on this side of heaven.  I'd like to spend my time just enjoying Him and those around me though this morning I woke with a memory that got in the way of that.  I guess this is the reason for my writing this blog.

Here was the memory.  I was in Tyre, Lebanon only week ago.  After fearing my own death or debilitation from the terrifying drive down to South Lebanon and imminent upcoming danger of being in a place where my own ethnicity is reason for being murdered I stepped out onto the pavement along side the beautiful beach that boarders Israel.  It was both scary and beautiful.  Not much time passes before a kid approaches me trying to sell me some gum that reminded me of those chick-lets that have flavor for the first minute you chew them then become a tasteless pain for your jaw. I ignored him as I would some of the homeless in Dallas without much thought.

I pulled some food out of the car that I had bought before we came down to Tyre.  I called it meat-bread. It wasn't anything to brag about but it would suit its purpose of over-carbing my already full stomach.  Immediately this kid motions with his hands pointing first to my meat-bread and then to his mouth.  So I gave it to him and went on my way.

It was this memory that pained my jet-lagged head at 4:30 this morning.  Why? Maybe it was because here was an actual person who was begging for survival and I passively gave him the scraps from my table. What has happened to me?  When did I become so calloused to the needs of others?  I thought about it for some time.  I think having spent so much time in a place where people beg for money and my underlying belief that is for drugs or alcohol has left me with an automated response of dismissal.

Here is the irony of the situation!  I was in Tyre to do ministry and more specifically ministry to the poor in the Palestinian Refugee Camps.  I was so mindset on doing the ministry I had made up in my head that I ignored the immediate ministry of the child right in front of me.  God help me for being so blind-sited by my do-gooder, pompous attitude.  I ignored the needs of the needy.  I feel like one of those angels in Psalm 82 that neglected their posts.

I guess the lesson and the new prayer is that I would be Spirit-led again.  Or at least have more moments where God's Spirit actually has His way in this world through me rather than my own lapsed and shoddy intentions.

I feel like I'm on this mission now to find someone who is actually hungry and unable to feed himself.  Maybe I can get to this person before they have to beg.