I know the title is a bit to swallow. I am reminded again that I just need to let God do His work in my heart instead of searching it out on my own and feeling grieved at what I sometimes see. Its not that everything I see is always awful but often it is. Combine that with the realization that I am powerless to change it. Reminds me of that horrible picture of the gerbil running on that wheel of great pointlessness.
Some might say that it is good to realize the awful nature of your own heart so that you will find that you need God all over again. That is what I call "Depression." It doesn't take introspection to realize you need God. Life has enough circumstances to remind us. Honestly, I don't know if what I am saying is true or not. I think life is just more enjoyable when I live from the perspective that it is God's job to find my flaws and fix them. I don't even really have any desire to know about it on this side of heaven. I'd like to spend my time just enjoying Him and those around me though this morning I woke with a memory that got in the way of that. I guess this is the reason for my writing this blog.
Here was the memory. I was in Tyre, Lebanon only week ago. After fearing my own death or debilitation from the terrifying drive down to South Lebanon and imminent upcoming danger of being in a place where my own ethnicity is reason for being murdered I stepped out onto the pavement along side the beautiful beach that boarders Israel. It was both scary and beautiful. Not much time passes before a kid approaches me trying to sell me some gum that reminded me of those chick-lets that have flavor for the first minute you chew them then become a tasteless pain for your jaw. I ignored him as I would some of the homeless in Dallas without much thought.
I pulled some food out of the car that I had bought before we came down to Tyre. I called it meat-bread. It wasn't anything to brag about but it would suit its purpose of over-carbing my already full stomach. Immediately this kid motions with his hands pointing first to my meat-bread and then to his mouth. So I gave it to him and went on my way.
It was this memory that pained my jet-lagged head at 4:30 this morning. Why? Maybe it was because here was an actual person who was begging for survival and I passively gave him the scraps from my table. What has happened to me? When did I become so calloused to the needs of others? I thought about it for some time. I think having spent so much time in a place where people beg for money and my underlying belief that is for drugs or alcohol has left me with an automated response of dismissal.
Here is the irony of the situation! I was in Tyre to do ministry and more specifically ministry to the poor in the Palestinian Refugee Camps. I was so mindset on doing the ministry I had made up in my head that I ignored the immediate ministry of the child right in front of me. God help me for being so blind-sited by my do-gooder, pompous attitude. I ignored the needs of the needy. I feel like one of those angels in Psalm 82 that neglected their posts.
I guess the lesson and the new prayer is that I would be Spirit-led again. Or at least have more moments where God's Spirit actually has His way in this world through me rather than my own lapsed and shoddy intentions.
I feel like I'm on this mission now to find someone who is actually hungry and unable to feed himself. Maybe I can get to this person before they have to beg.
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Michael,your post is inspiring. I truly say that from my heart. What incite and wisdom. I feel that one of your 'missions' has been completed, or maybe way on it's way; and that's to educate our hearts to the truths you learned on your trip. It touched me and I understood what you meant. I seek daily for guidance in my own life and for the burden of depression to be lifted. I would so feel honored if you could pray for that. I am trying hard to be thankful for the positive hand in my life, but it seems that the shadows linger longer.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for your sharing.